Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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