I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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