I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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