how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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