Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
