Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
