My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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