I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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