i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I wish there were birth control emojis
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
