i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
