Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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