Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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