You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
