there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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