the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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