haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
