I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
