Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
