'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
