I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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