Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
