Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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