he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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