I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
