Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
