Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
