Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
