Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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