Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
