either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
