My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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