Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
