Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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