im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
