If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
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That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
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I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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