you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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