I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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