nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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