you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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