Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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