You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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