THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
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Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
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I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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