new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
