I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
