He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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