She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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