He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
