I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
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Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
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I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So. Much. Porn.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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