I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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