Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
