Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
