can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
