I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
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He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize