The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
