I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
So squirting runs in the family.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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