At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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