i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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